Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Scootin'
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Finals Week at CCU
Ordinarily students would be spending their Sunday night before finals week studying. But what have I been doing all day? Packing and cleaning. Why? Because CCU loves to torture people. Not only do we get to study our bums off but we get to clean our entire apartments top to bottom with bleach, clorox wipes, and other cancer breeding chemicals that fill our home with a lovely aroma. Because 6 of us live in the same apartment we get to start off the week set against each other because we had to call dibbs on what we get to clean. Then we have to wait for our roommates to move all of their stuff out of the way so we can clean. Ordinarily I wouldn't be too impatient, but seeing that if our cleaning isn't done well enough we get fined, I am furious at having to wait around for someone else needing to get a move on. So rather than having a blast with my best friends before I leave CCU for 9 months I get to temporarily hate them because we will be at each other all week. FUN!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
This is my kind of weekend
Totally ghetto
Totally in the middle of nowhere
Totally an awesome weekend
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Fear And All That Comes With It
I'm afraid to stop moving and doing because when it comes down to it I'm scared that I'm not going to be enough. Just me, no crazy activities, no new outdoor skills, no adrenaline seeking thrills to hide behind. If I'm just me I'm not good enough to be loved. Or to even be a friend. Just me is boring and plain and insufficient.
I know all of this is a lie. Yes, as me I'm not enough. But I've found what makes me enough. Why can't I own my wholeness in Christ? Why can't I grab onto it and accept it? Why can't I accept that I am complete in Christ, that God loves me that much? Why can't I just let go and be child of God? WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY BE THAT AFRAID OF? What inside of me is so insecure that I can't grasp the only thing that I know will no matter what make me 100% complete. 100% done. 100% enough.
I'm not sure but I'm thoroughly annoyed with Satan. He knows all of this. He knows that I won't let myself feel complete and he leaches on to me. He rides me day in and day out whispering lies to me. No one wants me. No one will ever accept all that is Kait, they only want the exciting new things about me. I will never fell whole. I had better just give up and take what I can get. Give into my flesh and act impulsively so that I might momentarily feel right. So that I might just for a second feel whole and complete.
I hate him. I hate him with everything that is inside my being. He knows me inside and out. He knows just how to make me fall. Inch by inch nudging my feet closer to the edge. Until I have to realize what is happening and run. I'm tired of running. Can't it be someone else's responsibility to pick up my feet for each step so I can get a break. My legs are exhausted. My feet don't want to hit the ground again. My entire body is awash with an unwillingness to fight back. But the tiny knock in the back of my brain that tells me I know better. And I do. I know better than to give into my flesh. I know better than to act of my emotional impulses. But most of me tells myself that I'm too tired from the previous day's battle to fight again. My sword is too heavy. My armor too hot. My mind too foggy to think clearly. But the knocking always manages to give me the push I need to fight another day. I hate that knock that makes me work so hard. But after the battle I can't thank the knock enough.
Life's everyday battles are excruciating. But we continue to win.
I know all of this is a lie. Yes, as me I'm not enough. But I've found what makes me enough. Why can't I own my wholeness in Christ? Why can't I grab onto it and accept it? Why can't I accept that I am complete in Christ, that God loves me that much? Why can't I just let go and be child of God? WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY BE THAT AFRAID OF? What inside of me is so insecure that I can't grasp the only thing that I know will no matter what make me 100% complete. 100% done. 100% enough.
I'm not sure but I'm thoroughly annoyed with Satan. He knows all of this. He knows that I won't let myself feel complete and he leaches on to me. He rides me day in and day out whispering lies to me. No one wants me. No one will ever accept all that is Kait, they only want the exciting new things about me. I will never fell whole. I had better just give up and take what I can get. Give into my flesh and act impulsively so that I might momentarily feel right. So that I might just for a second feel whole and complete.
I hate him. I hate him with everything that is inside my being. He knows me inside and out. He knows just how to make me fall. Inch by inch nudging my feet closer to the edge. Until I have to realize what is happening and run. I'm tired of running. Can't it be someone else's responsibility to pick up my feet for each step so I can get a break. My legs are exhausted. My feet don't want to hit the ground again. My entire body is awash with an unwillingness to fight back. But the tiny knock in the back of my brain that tells me I know better. And I do. I know better than to give into my flesh. I know better than to act of my emotional impulses. But most of me tells myself that I'm too tired from the previous day's battle to fight again. My sword is too heavy. My armor too hot. My mind too foggy to think clearly. But the knocking always manages to give me the push I need to fight another day. I hate that knock that makes me work so hard. But after the battle I can't thank the knock enough.
Life's everyday battles are excruciating. But we continue to win.
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